1. I am a loving, generous, smart, driven organizer working to make the world a better place for myself, my community and others.
2. Freedom / justice
3. Love / connection
4. myself. Environmental justice. Fighting for what’s right even when it’s hard
5.conflict with loved ones. Upsetting or disappointing people I care about.
6. My physical health, mental stamina, emotional intelligence
7. To fully listen to my own heart’s core desired and make choices that reflect who I am, where I want to be and how I want to feel
8. Breathe. Just breathe. Feel all the pain. Feel the fear and do it anyway
9. Personal, internal choice. My happiness is up to me.
10. Get an organizer tattoo
11. Builders. Thinkers. Givers. Listeners. Sharers. Lovers. Connectors. Organizers. Activists
12. A warm, generous offer.
13. My friends and me laughing under a waterfall
14. Terminal illness
15. My sense of what’s right
16. My friend for not opening up with me
17. What I want matters most in my life.
20. My mom. Friends. Ex lovers.
21. Peace. All their physical needs met. Loving connection. Openness
22. I want them to be softer for having known me. To know themselves more. To feel fully accepted
23. Sunsets. Sunrise. Delicious food. Mountains. Waves on a beach
24. Abuse and injustice. Inauthentic love
25. That my physical appearance isn’t what I want it to be
26. That I can handle whatever is the challenge with loving kindness
27. People with attention to listen and hold space
28. Traveling alone around the world
29. All the mistakes I made and learned from
30. Amazing organizers. Healing potential within everyone. Young people and old people working together
31. My organizing ability
32. To embrace happiness as my choice to life’s happenings and act with generosity
33. That I am loved and loving. That no matter what happens I can heal, grow, learn and live fully.
34. How much I’m driving all my choices and learning more about what I like by listening not giving other’s opinions too much weight
35. Traveling. Seeing friends. Yummy food. Journaling.
36. More peace, acceptance, understanding
37. Looking back on my past 5 years as I prepare for my move
38. Telling my friends and family that I love them
39. I made a difference in the world. I loved and was loved. I was authentic.
40. The changes we make that impact others
Frida Kahlo to Marty McConnell
by Marty McConnell
leaving is not enough; you must
stay gone. train your heart
like a dog. change the locks
even on the house he’s never
visited. you lucky, lucky girl.
you have an apartment
just your size. a bathtub
full of tea. a heart the size
of Arizona, but not nearly
so arid. don’t wish away
your cracked past, your
crooked toes, your problems
are papier mache puppets
you made or bought because the vendor
at the market was so compelling you just
had to have them. you had to have him.
and you did. and now you pull down
the bridge between your houses.
you make him call before
he visits. you take a lover
for granted, you take
a lover who looks at you
like maybe you are magic. make
the first bottle you consume
in this place a relic. place it
on whatever altar you fashion
with a knife and five cranberries.
don’t lose too much weight.
stupid girls are always trying
to disappear as revenge. and you
are not stupid. you loved a man
with more hands than a parade
of beggars, and here you stand. heart
like a four-poster bed. heart like a canvas.
heart leaking something so strong
they can smell it in the street.
January 31, 2015
Today, I walk away. It’s not abandonment. I’m not giving up. I’m just realizing that the course you are on is one I’m not supposed to travel with you. It’s not throwing in the towel, it’s finally seeing that I’m not the one to get you through.
Does this mean I no longer love you? No. Not in the least. If anything, it means I love you enough to step back and let the destruction run it’s course. Sometimes love is best served as a happy memory and a hope for a better future.
Do I hate you? Absolutely not. I could never hate anyone I’ve loved so much as you. Rather, in a way, I love you more. I love you enough to know that by letting you go, I give you the chance to find what you need.
I could never hate anyone I’ve loved so much as you. Rather, in a way, I love you more.
How could I say I hate you, without depreciating every time I showed you love? You see, whatever it was in your life that made you this way, I hate THAT. What made you feel you had to lie about everything? What made you feel you had to self destruct every time you had a chance to succeed? Through our many talks, I have some ideas, but do I know? No. I don’t know, but whatever it was, that is the only thing I’m capable of hating today.
In moments, when you were doing good, I saw you. The real you. I saw the passionate you that valued yourself and your family. I know that one day, that “you” will win over. I also accept that when it does, I won’t be there to see it. This is trip you need to make on your own.
There was a time I made you better. You made me better. Together, we allowed ourselves to live within our imperfections. Somewhere, sometime, those demons came back to you. I could go on and on about how you did me wrong, but the fact is, you hurt yourself so much more. The fact is, I love you enough to know it’s not about what you did to me. It’s about what you do to you.
Eventually, I became what empowered your darkness. You could always come back to me. You always had a net at the end of your run through your torments. I was the one that would always be there. I still am, just now I’m there in thought. I’m the memory of what it was like to truly be loved. When you’re ready, you’ll find yourself drawn to someone that shows you that again.
I think, maybe, that’s what scared you most. How could someone know your deepest, darkest secrets and refuse to let you sink into a self created abyss?
The answer? Simple. I had chosen to love you. Not what you’ve done. Not what you did out of anger or fear. Just you. Beautiful, broken you. I’ve seen days where I thought no one could know me and truly love me. I changed. One day, you will too.
Today, I see that I love you more genuinely than ever before.
Was that healthy? Probably not. Did it encourage you to do more to shatter yourself? Quite possibly. Was it wrong? I think not. You have been loved. Unconditionally. You still are, just now from a place far enough away to let you finish your journey.
Today, I dream of the time you find yourself truly content and happy.
Today, I hope for the moment you learn giving one hundred percent is worth the gamble.
Today, I smile when I think of you digging out of the loathing and connecting with someone that appreciates you and shows you your value.
Today, I realize that nothing I do can bring you from the insanity you choose for yourself.
Today, I understand that your choices, while unhealthy, will not destroy you and it’s okay to stand back as you learn.
Today, I commit to stepping back as you find what you need to come back to yourself.
Today, I see that I love you more genuinely than ever before.
Today, I walk away.